Letstoriesunfold ™

You may or may not believe it, but I used to work in one of the big bus companies for long distance travel in Kenya as a conductor. The two drivers I used to work with, one was called Nduki Moto Makopolo and the other driver was Kata Funua Macharia and our route was from Meru to Mombasa and vice versa. It was a day like any other, but on this particular day, we bought our daily dose of mgox (mgox is what we used to call Mogoka) from the wrong guy. Huyu alikuwa anakaa elchapo flani sababu he would tell us tunaweza hata nusa hio mgox na stimu zitapanda.  I assumed that perhaps, it was the normal salesman hype lakini  WUEH! By 1900 hrs tulikuwa Embu. After kuchukua abiria wa Embu, safari ikaanza fiti, tukasema sherehe ianze. Our cockpit was one of its kind, sema kaportable mid speaker with bass abilities, madere wanaelewa. We switched off the passenger’s speakers and the one that was left was our “mziki” speaker. Nduki Moto had this flash disk that had everything hadi national an...

This is a continuation from  Hawker Jameni III            Why would they place such important things so distant from one another? I wondered. I ran up the next flight of stairs, knocking down a couple of mannequins. After asking yet another attendant, she pointed to the changing booths at the far end of the floor.  I limped into the changing room and shut the door. I quickly chucked the shorts and stretched one rubber band, slid one foot into it and rolled it up to my thigh. I then tucked my homo erectus and held it against one thigh with the band.  The bands were quite small and tight, the poor quality has a low elasticity so I added another one and walked out, like a normal human being – relieved- albeit with a slight limp. The bands were a little tight and uncomfortable but they were better than a dangling deek in public. I was so relieved that as I walked down the stairs, I confidently saluted an attendant who was redressing the mannequin...

This days, I don't eat meat, be it red, white, or multi colored like an army's gear.  Reason why?  Let me take you a few years back. I used to live at Naivas by then, a common hustler in that lakeside estate called Kihoto, kwa mukorino mwisho. Living in a single mabati apartment room posh enough to have a cemented floor.  When I say hustler, I mean hustler or rather what Mbusii says, “sufferer”. There are people who came through massively for me in my life a lot like Mama Njoki. Mama Njoki had certain a “Villa Rosa Kempinski” kibandaski, near the stage offering, and serving all types of meals.  At Mama Njoki's place you could even have a pizza if you fancied.  Let's chill on that for a moment. Back to the main story, I was a life member at Mama Njoki's, meaning it's where I took all of my meals. I could eat, without a coin to my name because I was trusted. You are wondering how I pulled it off,  aren't you? We used to supply the place with assorted foodstuf...

I have told lots of stories, and I have heard lot's of stories over the years, but none could prepare me for this story I am about to tell you.  First I'll have to ask you,  which is most bizarre job or contact,  you have ever done, for money? To most people, I am the guy who has been in some crazy hustles, but compared to my guy, Kinyanjui, that is just a tiny handful of some sand to a whole beach. I don't think there's a hustle in this world that Kinyanjui hasn't been to.  If it isn't washing old people's bums, he's out there brokering property, trading stocks, professional mourner, eating contests, extras in Kenyan movies, in corporate tenders, let me pause it at that because the list is quite endless. We were chilling one lovely Saturday, as you well might know Saturday is for the boys. Banters against who's team was thrashed and is likely to be thrashed on the weekend, then the conversation shifted to crazy shit people have done, guess who was a...

  The first illegal business I remember that I took part in was back in Nursery School. You could be there wondering,  “Ndugu  kwani, you didn't go  to a play group?”  Yes, ours was a nursery school then next it's pre unit, then you would proceed to class one, I hear now things have changed, they are calling it play group or whatever. We used to take uji at 10AM on the dot as a snack, or diluted Quencher when and if parents paid school fees. Now, my mother, God bless her, had prepared for me chips. She packed for me a good sized portion  because she knew I had a massive appetite plus you know it was chips back then. She packed to eat with the juice because it was juice day. Those boys and girls in my class started feeling kíwaru (jealous) because I had on me something yummy and precious. On my side, I was there happy, on top of the world shumekiaring them. Shumekiaring is present continuous for shumekia. Shumekia is just that. It will not be of any benefi...

  Mr. Gakuha always got into class before me after lunch once. Nothing new. That guy kept time, He was never a minute late. Like all humans who are bound by their habits, Mr. Gakuha was no exception. He used to sit on a student's desk at the farthest corner of the class, closely watching guys and girls who used to enter the class one by one like during the time of Safina.   The Safina of Noah,  not this one of Jimmy Wanjigi . I used to feel like Tripple H after eating a plate of rice and beans. For those who have no idea who Triple H is, I feel sorry for you, I really do. you missed out when WWE was WWE Now back to what I was saying. So I walked in with my shirt's buttons opened up to my múkonyo. Múkonyo is a belly button.  I think as a language, Kikuyu needs to change because it doesn't sound like the name of something on a human body.  That shirt was not tucked in and my tie was tied around my head like I was Tarzan. Isitoshe, I had a bottle of water in my rig...

In the words of Kamande wa Kioi, before you die, you see many things. It doesn't sound wise when you say it in English. The queen's language waters it down very much. Try saying it in Kikuyu. Sagely!  Now, in 2015, Ochi and I were roommates in Kariobangi South by circumstance. I was fresh from campus and jobless and he was starting a business in Nairobi. So, naturally, we were broke, you see how it was by circumstance, don't you?  We got a bedsitter hapo tu Kwa Mbao. Kwa Mbao is a stage in Kariobangi South, it has the best Mutura East in of Eastlands. Hayaa, Ochi, one Sato told me that he had been invited for a bash in Kahawa West. We decided to go. You know what is written, that where two or three are gathered, there is a fellowship and at times a swallowship. That day, we knew we wouldn't cook. We got to the bash. Kumbe it wasn't bash bash. It was bash of gùchogia mwana. Look for a Kikuyu for that translation. Haya, we were ushered in and offered seats. Mimi, with...

    The first time I bought a skirt, I did not intend to buy a skirt. Lakini, I bought  skirts and crop tops. I did not even have a girlfriend. Or at least a girlfriend that could fit those sizes. Sasa, I was coming from Gwa Kairu, a place somewhere in Ruiru. We had a project there. This was the intervening period between college and the banking job. So, as you might have correctly guessed, I was an internal designer. Let me explain, interior designers know what they are paid to do. Some have even gone to school to learn their craft. Then there is us, internal designers, we are not the same. Us we rely on the mercy of God to complete projects.  In Kikuyu we say, “tuturagio ni kuiyumia.” Remember Fred Gumo?  His slogan?  Kaa ngumu.  That is how we did our jobs.  Baas, we got to Githurai, hapo kwa roundabout. I think when Angel Gabriel finally blows the tarumbeta, he will be near Githurai. It is there that he is sure many people will hear it at the...

When Julie confirmed that we were good to go for a date, I never could have imagined it could be in a hospital. I glanced at the wall clock, it was fast approaching 7 P.m. The weather was not friendly at all out here and worst of it I never thought of carrying my cardigan and now I was shivering so much that she had to give me her hood.  I was looking lambistic as fuck, all this trouble for just a girl. I had my day mapped out well. Being a weekend I could have gone out with my buddies but then I got a text from my supposedly date that she was finishing up on her shift and I could pick her from work. Julie has been on my radar for quite sometime and she always seemed slippery but now that an opportunity had availed itself,  I thought why not? Little did I know, how things could take a twist. “Is she out yet?” I intercepted a nurse coming from the operating room. She just nodded a big no, went about her own way, and I criss crossed my legs waiting patiently. I could have go...

The dread I was feeling at that very point in time, it was nerve wrecking. I was at a crossroad deciding whether I should knock and go in and face the music or call it quits with education. Fate has a cruel sense of humor, and I think it got tired of me dilly dallying so before I got a chance to make a decision, he saw me and called out. “Wewe ndio aisking?” “Ingia.” “Very good.”  “Unasema unataka kukua nani ukiwa mkubwa?” “Neurosurgeon mwalimu.” “Hio iko na letter ngapi za alphabet?” Mr Ogolla was our deputy principal, plus doubling up as the discipline master. His famous Mr Green was a plumbing pipe fitter with cement on the bore and a stroke from that came could give the one unfortunate enough to be on its receiving end a stroke.  Its on good authority that I heard that he once stopped a school strike from happening due to everyone's fear of being the sacrificial monkey to be hanged.  Back to neurologist manenos. Hio siku tulikuwa tunapigiana hekaya pale class na my ma...

Where I am from,  July is known as the fridge month.  So this time June has been as cold as July and I haven't heard of global cooling yet. So I don't understand the temperature. Anyway this cold weather brings or has always brought together pairs of animal species like the times of Noah, mostly humans.  For me though, this cold season evokes very different memories not of cuddles or bonfires. So I trained with the NYS naivasha camp and let me tell you, Naivasha is the confusing cold and dry we were learning in social studies. In the camps you wake up before dawn breaks. At 3am everyone has been awake for half an hour, it's dark and cold, fatigue sticks to you like a shadow but you must keep going, after all you don't have any choice.  Everyone has a duty to carry out in the camp and I was among those tasked with washing the slabs around the barracks. This is how it goes, you get a bucket of water and you have to use the water as you wish as long as the slabs ...

Leo ilikuwa ile siku yours truly aliamua kutoka heaven kuja earth na ile line ya..  🎶kuna mahali nafaa kwenda na ni sahii🎶 I decided to chill today listening to some music i.e. All my life by Lil Durk and love yourz by J Cole, and just meditating on how far I have come and how far I intend to go when I remembered something quite hilarious. Somewhere in mid 2019, I thought I was pregnant.  It was before I met Jesus. Which means, I had met someone that was not Jesus the previous night and engaged in some co curricular activities which were pleasurable, but at some point had me huffing and puffing like the wolf in the three little pigs and sweaty.  Which also means that person was beautiful, and attractive like a bad decision in your twenties and was not of Jesus' gender. I woke up with a bad case of morning sickness. I know it was morning sickness because it came in the morning. I only wanted to take Krest.  Krest kubwa baridi.  It was a wintry Monday in Meru. F...

On Christmas day of 2021, I was in downtown Nairobi to pick something, don't ask what. Somewhere close to a river, and bridge, and one old tree. Old as time itself.  Off the main drag of this hubbub is Nairobi.  The road there was wet, potholed, muddy, and puddled. The bars are small, with net curtains fastened to small full water bottles on one end. The bars there are noisy. Plus the noise there is vulgar. And the vulgar-ness is eternal.  It keeps going. It keeps germinating. It keeps growing. It keeps shooting at you with,  “How can they say that in public?” That place had also another resident fame.  Thighs!  Let me tell you, beloved reader, there is a place in this city where thighs are big and expansive, well-oiled, and willing to see the outside. Standing thighs, seated thighs. One thigh on top of another thigh thighs. You will see thighs emerge from doors behind unholy darkness.  Daytime darkness. Thighs that look like they have grown under a gr...

 Several years ago I used to live in the further east part of Nyairofi, where problems and life challenges first gather every morning before spreading to other parts of the city. Back then, life had beaten me m-stick completely, and I literally used to live hand to nose to mouth. If it smelled good, it could be eaten. At that time, i used to do jobs of all collars, from white, blue and even black collar.  I used to have a banner in my house written wìra nì wìra  (work is work). One day I was called for an interview somewhere in Westlands, and told to be there by 7.30 am. The reason is because I knew someone who knew someone who knew the manager there. I had been instructed o go very early so that I could be given some heads up on what to expect in the interview. As most of you know traffic jam is rampant in the mornings and because of that, I had to leave home very early, around 5am.  So on that day, I woke up and got myself ready. I took my documents and left the ho...

Nimeona picture kwa meme fulani, ikanipeleka tour down memory lane. Many moons ago, nikiwa primary. Nikitaja ilikuwa how many years ago, mtaniona ka mmoja wa wale wahenga mlikuwa mnaandika kwa kwa insha, ati, wahenga hawakupaka mafuta kwa mgongo wa chupa waliponena... 😅😅😅 Kulikuwa na hii stuff ilikuwa primary, ndio ukuwe unaongea kizungu, ulikuwa unakuwa punished psychologically ukiongea na mother tongue, kiswahili or the language of the streets, sheng. Except siku moja yenye mngekuwa exempted kuongea whichever language you fancy. Mental punishment depended on which time era you were in. For yours truly, ilikuwa kuvaa bling bling ya mfupa ingine kubwa. Yours truly, hajaanza kupiga story sahii, like B.I.G. nilikuwa notorious but upande wa kuongea. Hakuna siku nikiwahi kosa kwa list ya noisemakers, na siku sikuwa nimeongea labda nilikuwa mgonjwa. Most people walikuwa wana detest kuvaa hio bling bling, ju ya aibu ilikuwa associated with it, so msee alikuwa anakuwekea mtego, uongee tu l...

On every step you take, you must think of and take into account the potential risks, if the potential risks are worth it, the benefits and the negatives. I thought hard and long about how I’m going to handle the situation, kind of reminded me of the Jesma examination series.  The first thing that I sorted out was the location of where I’m going to congregate and meet all the ladies who were throwing accusations at me.  This was to be somewhere that was public, yet provided decent privacy in order clear any silly thoughts of any of them thinking that what they had accused me had any weight at all.  Two, timing of the meetup, it was to be done as soon as possible if I took too long, it would seem like I was sanitizing the accusations. I needed witnesses around me, there could be a likelihood of someone crying wolf and sending me to the ghoul where I would have to send someone to the depths of hell when he confuses me with the opposite gender and  attempts to try work o...