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Showing posts with the label Collaborations

Mapenzi crazy!

- July 12, 2025

By the way, nishawahi pendwa na wazimu wasee . Not toxic like how some of your partners in some of your relationships are, just somebody's daughter who was mentally ill. Tulieni niwapee story how it all went down. I was coming from Murang'a , nilikuwa nimetoka huko kupiga shughuli mbili tatu, as you know kwa gari kuna wale watu hubebwa mid journey, so sisi hao, tuko Kenol , gari imesimama watu kadhaa wakashuka, conductor yuko nje anaita watu wengine waiingie kwa gari to fill the empty seats. I have my awesome earphones on, nasikia kuna fracas outside but I mind my shit so I ignore it, ju the last time niliona mtu ameleta kiherehere kwa shughuli haikuwa yake, alistukia amepigwa Kofi , mate ikatoka na curve kama shot ya Messi in his prime. Suddenly, I look up, and a fine gal catches the edge of my sight, eye contact kiasi between me and her and she smiles. Damn a fine gal like this one? Thank you God! I remove my earphones so I can see her well. I songa songa as she comes an...

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Kamagera

- June 30, 2025

In my existence, I have noticed some people are eating life with a big spoon, others like me, life is eating us with big spoons (read spade). Not so many moons ago I was in a very bad fix, big brain, alot of skills but no paper evidence to match the skill so the people with money think you are a con. Anyway, I had a friend who was a donda (read conductor), I know he makes over 1500 daily because one day he told me, I asked him to link me up to one of the manyangas and he told me, “Si rahisi ni kulink mimi stakudanganya kama wale uncle wa nyumbani ati maliza shule nitakueka mahali.” So he told me about kamagera ( a person who just loads people in a Matatu , and remains.) and their rowdiness. That their survival in nairobi is to be likened to the silverback against 100 men. No mercy. Nikamuuliza, because I want a fishing rod, not the fish itself so as to fend for myself. So akaniambia you just go to any st...

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Mapenz 2

- February 10, 2025

For the previous story, click here. Mapenz 1 Cleaned up real nice, wacha tu! Ungeniona ningekukunywa like those thirsty people kwa Ads za Sprite, au kama vampire, wenye sisi huona kwa movies, that is if, wewe ni dame. Nikapiga perfume yangu vizuri, when you smell nice, confidence hukuwa mia kwa mia. Mimi huyo, najisikia, ego iko overflowing, naenda hadi stage, nipande mat, niingie tao. Nikiwa kwa njia naona venye siku itakuwa tu vibes on vibes with someone's daughter. On the previous day, tulikuwa tume elewana tunapatana saa nne. Nilikuwa hapo by 9, hapo I&M towers. An understocked tuskys, not far away from my position, nikapatana na madam anauza maua akasema “si ushukurie mpens hisi mauwa, atazipenda” Nikasema why not? Mimi bazenga niko hapo na maua waiting for the princess Hadija. So ikafika 10 nikasema wacha ningoje kidogo, 11 ikafika nikiwa nimesimama hapo kama mti, najiconsole tu, anakuja, ni jam imemchelewisha. Hapo naona most ...

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Mapenz

- February 05, 2025

February, love, valentine, flowers, catfish. I remember after the first month of 2008, long ago when there were just eight buildings in Nairobi being called skyscrapers, there was real love. Young ones, I am that ancient. Yours truly had a young beautiful chille in college. This was way before touch screen phones, sorry, android phones were invented or introduced into the country or the world, and BlackBerry phones reigned supreme, followed closely by Nokia. They were the only status brand. Achana na nyinyi mnashindana na Vivo, Iphone 16+, Samsung Galaxy sth. Kitambo, Blackberry was the baddie of phones. Right now, I know you may be asking yourself, why is this relevant? Well I didn't have a blackberry, but I had a ka sony ericsson. A phone worth having on all the dates and events I was in. So here comes January, I meet this fine yellow yellow and I know this will either be on my menu one time or full time. Either I date her for a short while, or I marry h...

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Shwaaaa!

- January 25, 2025

The sun was freaking hot and the sun had no issues baking y'all, ndio at least muive. I remember November December 2018 vividly, like it was yesterday. It was so freaking hot that ungejimwagilia maji kwa mgongo ingelia kama venye maji kwa sufuria moto hulia, shwaaaaa. Anyway, I know the devil is next to you whispering in a smooth convincing tone, “enda swimming sahii, kuna joto” Before you go, chill and lemme tell you about my first ever swimming expedition. Growing up, I was learning about useless stuff like insect anatomy and how the international space station works. So I missed out on childhood happiness like duff mpararo (I have only one experience) and bike races. Back then I was 20 and somewhere in Machakos county with my gang, a place where there is a wide river that crosses our location. My whole gang is aware that I do not know the skill of fish. After all, fish do not know how to walk (nisiskie mtu akitaja vill...

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Chaos and Mogoka.

- December 10, 2024

You may or may not believe it, but I used to work in one of the big bus companies for long distance travel in Kenya as a conductor. The two drivers I used to work with, one was called Nduki Moto Makopolo and the other driver was Kata Funua Macharia and our route was from Meru to Mombasa and vice versa. It was a day like any other, but on this particular day, we bought our daily dose of mgox (mgox is what we used to call Mogoka) from the wrong guy. Huyu alikuwa anakaa elchapo flani sababu he would tell us tunaweza hata nusa hio mgox na stimu zitapanda. I assumed that perhaps, it was the normal salesman hype lakini WUEH! By 1900 hrs tulikuwa Embu. After kuchukua abiria wa Embu, safari ikaanza fiti, tukasema sherehe ianze. Our cockpit was one of its kind, sema kaportable mid speaker with bass abilities, madere wanaelewa. We switched off the passenger’s speakers and the one that was left was our “mziki” speaker. Nduki Moto had this flash disk that had everything hadi national an...

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In my prime.

- November 12, 2024

Kuna hizi silhouettes za a popular figure zimekuwa zikinimaliza ajab, plus story ya Baltazar Engonga ikatokea, that legend, singlehandedly putting his country on the map. The last time I heard anything concerning that country was many years ago, when I was in primary. Kidogo nisahau kuwawekea story mfurahie. Anyway, nilikuwa nimejipata nimepitia thread ya “in my prime” kwa social media, sikumbuki kama ni TikTok ama Twitter, a few days prior ndio nikakumbuka hii story, after kushangazwa na revelations za watu, particularly, what people's daughters did in their prime. I had an ordeal in the hands of my own mother twenty-five years ago that I have failed to forget. Back in the day kuna wale wazee walikua wakizunguka vitongoji duni wakinunua "chupa na debe" n old stainless steel sufurias. The pioneers of Mari kwa Mari, or old skull Mari kwa Mari. (For context and for those who don't know, Mari kwa Mari are people who go aroun...

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Hawkers Jameni IV

- August 27, 2024

This is a continuation from Hawker Jameni III Why would they place such important things so distant from one another? I wondered. I ran up the next flight of stairs, knocking down a couple of mannequins. After asking yet another attendant, she pointed to the changing booths at the far end of the floor. I limped into the changing room and shut the door. I quickly chucked the shorts and stretched one rubber band, slid one foot into it and rolled it up to my thigh. I then tucked my homo erectus and held it against one thigh with the band. The bands were quite small and tight, the poor quality has a low elasticity so I added another one and walked out, like a normal human being – relieved- albeit with a slight limp. The bands were a little tight and uncomfortable but they were better than a dangling deek in public. I was so relieved that as I walked down the stairs, I confidently saluted an attendant who was redressing the mannequin...

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👻 Booo 2👻

- June 02, 2024

From the creator of 👻Booo👻 , Wanjiru the Storyteller, & Letstoriesunfold bring you the continuation. Normally, how I walk to my place after work is the same as how someone pressed to use the washroom moves. That evening, I kid you not, I walked all the way to my place with a bounce in my step, and giddy like a six-year-old girl. The way I waited, even after drying off, freshening up, in pajamas munching on something to quiet the hunger pangs. There was no text, not even a missed call in the morning even after dozing off on the bed with the phone in my hand waiting. The crazy part about adulting is that you do not have time to brood over such things. Preparing and going to work while thoughts were turning in my head on what I had done, or not done, to scare him away. The day dragged itself slowly, time slowly ticking towards the end of my shift. I had accepted what I saw as reality, that it was, what it was. Coming to terms with it, as they say. Let me tell you, no wors...

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👻Booo! 👻

- May 25, 2024

👻 booo! 👻 Ghafla bin vuu, mvua When boarding this matatu, the tout said to me sweetly “mrembo, wee kaa starehe hapa kwa kiti yangu, nitakaa mbele.” I think, oh well, why not, how kind sir. I shut my umbrella and get in and he closes the door, again and I think, how chivalrous. Little by little, water starts trickling and then pours on my left side, and now I think, how cunning. The lady infront of me has her umbrella strategically placed to cover her left leg. There's a drenched gentleman at the back who's been yelling profanities I cannot say. Do I say, when it rains it pours. As the memory played in my head, I realized your life can change in a snap, like Nairobi weather. Here I was, past the talking stage, in the we doing this stage in a relationship with someone's son. Who I couldn't have met if it wasn't for the cards that had been played by fate that day, the tout offering me his seat, me being drenched by the water trickling in little by li...

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Hawkers Jameni III

- May 04, 2024

Under the TV I adorned the biggest boner I have ever seen. It looked like it was supporting the tv on its own, trying to rip off the shorts. Since I was a commando with baggy shorts, it protruded and looked like Pinocchio’s nose after telling several lies. It stood like a jousting lance. Shit! I froze. I pressed my thighs together, trying to hold the dingdong back in vain. Shit! What should I do? I panicked and almost threw the TV down. (I might have dropped it, but, with my sperminator at that angle it could never have fallen down) Mohawk had walked two steps ahead of me. He stopped, looked back and asked “Buddy, what is wrong?” “Kuna shida, njoo kidogo,” When he came near I whispered, “I have an erection.” He looked beneath the TV and then looked at me, while holding his laughter, he whispered, “It looks like a rhino’s horn, it looks angry too,” After laughing for a while he added, “I actually have a ...

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Hawkers jameni II

- April 15, 2024

I looked at Mohawk and asked him if he wanted one. He nodded. I told the hawker I would take two at Kes 100. The bus was on its last bump as the hawker reluctantly agreed and took the money. I gave Mohawk one stick as I tried to figure out how to start chewing the toothbrush. The stick had a thick bark that I tried peeling off but I soon realized I might be doing it wrong. Mohawk had already started chewing on his, so I just followed suit. He looked at the TV and asked, “What happened to the TV?” “It fell and the screen cracked,” “Pole, I know an electronics fundi along Luthuli Avenue. A very trustworthy fellow I could hook you up if you are interested.” “That is exactly what I need, would you mind taking me to him?” “No problem buddy.” We chewed and brushed while making small talk like old pals until the bus reached its destination at the Odeon cinema about an hour later. We alighted as I carried the TV with the screen resting on my tummy while...

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