Letstoriesunfold ™

“We are fucked!”  Tommie stared at the gas cylinder as if it had personally betrayed him. “Gas inaumua iishe sahii? Fuck! Sina job,  pesa ndio hii imeamua kuingia witness protection.” His wife, Mary, was sitting on the edge of the bed, scrolling through her phone with the kind of concentration usually reserved for presidential results. “Babe,  si unawarm ile maharagwe ya juzi?” Tommie turned slowly. “Those beans?” Mary nodded. “The same beans zimekaa kwa fridge tangu juzi?” “Tommie…” “Mary, hizo beans ziko na history.  Juzi ndio zilikuwa beans.  Leo ni story ingine.” Mary sighed. “Ju gas imeisha,  tunatupa hizo beans tulale njaa ama turisk?” Tommie closed the fridge because when he had opened the fridge to take out the beans to warm, a funny smell escaped. “Pasi lazima aniconfirmie kitu.” “What?” “Kwamba binguni tunapewa mwili mpya.” Mary laughed despite herself. “Why?” “Because hii yangu imechoka. Imeishiwa nguvu.  Sasa ju ya njaa, inataka kula beans ...

Imekuwa long tangu nichonge story ka venye Michelangelo alikuwa anachonga vitu clean many centuries ago. Story ilikuwa iende live but draft ilikuwa kwa simu, na simu ilizama kwa maji ka Petero venye alijishuku ati ni yeye anatembea kwa maji. Fundi naye kumpelekea simu akakuwa kama ule jamaa wa promises bandia za in “6 months”. Fundi amekaa nayo almost three weeks, ananichocha daily ati anaunda, kumbe anani-enjoy tu, simu imemlemea na hataki kunichapia.  Kuishi bila simu blunder, unasikia ni uko kwa kichaka ama ka wewe ni inmate. Nimefikiria venye shillingi itatoka nishike device ingine; itatoka ju fundi alishindwa kufufua simu hadi akili imetap out. Nikiscroll scroll YouTube nikiwa nimetulia after nimetoka kuchapiana na Boyz wangu Kimani ma one two one two, nimebump into this song called Wasted Story by Virusi Mbaya, sijui ni kama ni coincidence ama nini,  but nimerelate nayo mbaya sana na kuna part moja imepenya  “…Saka kila siku it's not enough..” “...Ma...

                   It's in the early evening; I'm somewhere chilling with my bro, tunaongea ma one two three za life, biz na gigs, ju pahali life imefika sahii hauwezi afford kukaa isolated, utaumia. There's music playing, rhumba and some zilizopendwa.  After a while, my G hops on a call, and I start doing something on my phone; I think I was trying to land a client that I found, trying to make that shilling come home. You know what the Wahengas would say if they were in this time and age? Usipokaa sharp, shillingi haupati ng’o! The music is playing, but it's background noise, something to fill the silence. Time passes, nikiwa hapo chatting na client, ironing out details, my G akiwa bado kwa call. After a while, naskia this song. I don't think I caught the name, but the lyrics are a bit catchy, na haijatoka kwa kichwa. Walikufananisha na Eliya Walikufananisha na Musa I have heard this song before; in my mind niko zile za hii nilisik...

On another episode of: things that never happened, or did they? Saturday or Sunday, many many many moons ago. I used to go to the bafu na towel pekee always wondering how women always walked around in skirts. So after showering it was free mode mpaka kejani. Kwa buloti, it was a communal bathroom so you had to carry your bucket. Na ukipata mtu yuko ndani, unapanga laini. On this particular day nilikuwa nimechemsha maji niko ready kuingia kwa bafu, jirani beat me to the bathroom by seconds. I left my bucket full of warm water hapo nikiwa frustrated then nikaingia kejani kutime akitoka, naruka ndani. Asubuhi gets chilly so you can't just hang around there waiting ukiwa kifua iko nje, umejifunga towel pekee. Akamaliza nikaskia mlango yake imefunga, nikakimbia bafu fasta fasta maji yangu isipoe, ingepoa ingekuwa balaa. Kumbe she was not yet done, alikua ameacha karai yake na maji hapo ndani arudi kuosha kifuniko. Mimi naye nokatoa hio basin nje nikaingia kwa bafu, this is not ...

                    Yesterday was crazy, watu wa Arsenal walikuwa wamejaa kujaa CBD celebrating. You can't really fault them for being happy, and excited. Imagine 22 years! Imagine coming close to winning the title in the previous seasons, then Arsenal wins the 25/26 league title, just like that. I was beside myself with happiness, not only myself, but other Arsenal fans throughout the world. Nimeamka leo kichwa ikienda tu  “silali... Finale... Refa puliza kipenga..” I know it's been a while since I dropped a something awesome for y'all. Sijawasahau, something was cooking in the pipeline. Now it's time to enjoy an exquisite story from another exceptional storyteller like yours truly I call Anko, don't you think? “hallo..” “Hello..” “nimeona CV yako mahali na naona huna kazi sindio?" "Yes"  I answered very happy that CV haikujipata ikifunga nyama in some dingy butchery, or zinafungia comrade chapo za supper. "Sawa.., niko na kaz...

  People out here are angry, really angry. I know this is no way to start a story, but relax it's heading somewhere, I promise. It's a chilly morning and I'm at a bank waiting for my turn to be served, service yao ilikuwa imeanza kusumbua from Monday, but hey, that's a story for another time. I could feel like I was a bit out of place, you know? because the last time I remember I was in a bank was many years ago, when I was on campus, paying for my fees. Mzazi aliniamia bana, alijua ningepata guts, temptations za kukula fee ingekam, ningejua venye ningeilipa. So where was I?  Oh yes, there is this guy who is seated like 2 or three seats away from me, bigger and older than me from the looks of it, looks like a business man, or in lay man terms jamaa wa madeals. After a few minutes waiting, he starts getting impatient, and frustrated so he starts complaining, why is the service taking so long, can't they go a little faster, and so on and so forth.  I'm seated ther...

  Jana, nilikuwa naskia uzito aisee!  After my team was beaten na banters zikaanza kukuja kukuja kama Kenya's corruption scandals from fans wa other teams wenye walikuwa wamepata a successful hate watch. Ningekuwa mtu wa hasira, nyahunyo ingekuwa acquainted na mgongo za watu kadhaa. I told myself hakuna haja ya kuvurugana na watu, plus kuwa worked up ju ya mpira, most importantly, mpira ya wazungu.  Sahii kuna watu nimemute pale green app hadi my teams next win ndio niwaunmute nikijaribu kuangalia sahii, nitaishiwa pawa ju najua pale ni back to back banters zinaningoja pale ni mzito.  Anyway, it's been a while since I posted a story, so nikasema wacha nitulie nichonge story and it got me down memory lane, there's this saying that old folks( by old folks I mean our parents, uncles, aunties family friends, etc), who used to say, birds of a feather, wakitaka kutetea their point of view in some matters  (Wanted to say a one size fits all,  but was unsure on how...

Continuation from Butwaa Any mlevi reading this knows that hio mkojo ndio ime hold back kuzima ziii. So Liz takes her to a nearby washroom, and when she comes back, her legs seem to have forgotten their function, you know, like holding the body weight and supporting locomotion. Miguu zake ziko jelly jelly. So she just says,  "ebu mnishikilie kiasi"  That, my friends, was the last time I saw her standing. Her eyes shut, her mouth failed the speaking test, and she just fell into our hands. Visiting hours zimeisha, amevaa uniform, tuko in a location civilian hawafai kukuwa. Trouble was brewing like the water we just drank. We tell Liz juu pia yeye ako na uniform aende akuje na help as we try to make her vomit and pour water on her. Waapi!  Liz alienda na simu yake and the clothes we had brought. Mpaka leo 11 years later hajawai rudi. We are there for 30 mins and catch the radar: civilians on government land. A whistle is blown, and close to 40 officers ...

   Having friends is great, having stupid friends is better  having diabolical friends? even crazier.                Today I will beat for you hekaya of one of my many bad choices. So Kenya Prisons training takes nine months and there is a mid training visiting and the final graduation known as pass out where the prezo or their mkubwa comes to make lies for promises.  I have a friend called Daudi, who has a girlfriend called Abby, she was the one graduating. Abby has a best friend, Salma, Daudi has a cousin, Daniel, then kuna yours truly. Abby invited Daudi, and Salma. Daudi goes ahead and invites yours truly and Dan. We contacted and met Daudi in tao. We are to meet Salma since hatujuani twende pamoja. My main role in this visit was to prevent the boy from throwing himself in the road and connect to Sayuni, that is if apate serekali imebadilishwa, if you get what I mean. Also to suggest good poisons(liquor), in case things get...

  You know those times unasikia ni kama unachizi? Umepanga vitu zako vizuri, from A-Z then everything decides to go tits up kama mende imededi? So recently I was in such a bubble, naona tu Dim.  Nikasema sitachizi niliona, wacha I go see my hombre, Tommie, pale Kach. It's very peaceful place btw. After the first day, we are beating stories after kumaliza shughuli mbili tatu, nothing major, just enough to feel productive without actually being productive.  Out of nowhere, Tommie leans in like he’s about to reveal state secrets. “Btw nilikuwa na mpango na fulani na yule jirani  nilikuwa nataka tupangane.  Si tufike hivyo?” We pull up to Jirani's compound, and the first thing we see? Two cocks. Full chest out. Feathers flying. Pride on the line. These roosters were not playing. This wasn’t a disagreement, this was generational beef. You could tell one of them had been waiting for this moment since childhood. Jamaa sees us and instead of greeting like a normal human...

                 It was one of those days, there I was chilling after some hectic shughuli, just trying to catch my breath, nangoja mat ijae itoke stage nifike mtaa. I spot this girl amekaa kando yangu holding a water bottle, and it was like ¾ full. I was feeling a little thirsty, ok, maybe more than a little.  I say hi to her, Namsho design jua imenikaranga kama mimi ni kitunguu, na venye naskia ulimi imekauka, wacha tu. Si mnaelewa hii joto imekuwa recently? I go ahead and ask her if she would mind giving me a sip of her water?  It seems to me like she doesn't mind my request, because she passes her water bottle over to me. I'm like, I can finally quench my thirst. I take one big sip, and immediately regret it… aiyo!  My tongue is like sandpaper. Naenda kutema, naona kanjo ndio huyo, ananingoja niteme tu hivi, ashuke, na ashine na mimi proper! Inabidi tu nimemeza shingo upande. Ikiteremka naskia ni kama my throat is hosting ...

  8:23 am.   It's a few days after Christmas, unajua hizo siku zenye uko autopilot tu, waiting for 31st, upige nduru yako safi, or light up fireworks? It's the 30th, you would think nimetulia, at peace ju niko home, wrong! My mum ananipigia msomo on and on. I want to tell her, it's too early for this bana, chill! Najua nikiongea tu hivi, itakuwa a full blown argument, so I let her be. She is talking about stuff like mbona hauna bibi na watoto sahii?  She goes, nini unangoja? Angalia fulani, si mko age moja? Watu age yako wako na boma already! Tangu umalize campus, sijaona pahali hio masomo imekusaidia… She goes on and on chewing me off. In my head niko zile za Get back get back, you don't know me like that, talking a whole lotta shit I ain't trying to hear.  At that point, I even started regretting mbona nilishow up at home, at all, ningekaa kwangu tu. I'm getting pissed with each minute that passes from my mum chewing me off, mara comparing me to my cousins, ma...