How I almost became a father.

In the words of Kamande wa Kioi, before you die, you see many things. It doesn't sound wise when you say it in English. The queen's language waters it down very much. Try saying it in Kikuyu. Sagely! 

Now, in 2015, Ochi and I were roommates in Kariobangi South by circumstance. I was fresh from campus and jobless and he was starting a business in Nairobi. So, naturally, we were broke, you see how it was by circumstance, don't you? 

We got a bedsitter hapo tu Kwa Mbao. Kwa Mbao is a stage in Kariobangi South, it has the best Mutura East in of Eastlands. Hayaa, Ochi, one Sato told me that he had been invited for a bash in Kahawa West. We decided to go. You know what is written, that where two or three are gathered, there is a fellowship and at times a swallowship.

That day,

we knew we wouldn't cook.

We got to the bash. Kumbe it wasn't bash bash. It was bash of gùchogia mwana. Look for a Kikuyu for that translation. Haya, we were ushered in and offered seats. Mimi, without noticing, I sat next to mother of the baby. Balaa, I tell you. This should have been a good or bad sign depending on how you will understand this story.

So, wa mama came, they started singing, and at times ululating.

“nyina wa mwana, 

tonya thíinie, 

woye gakenge, 

mwana ndanyitagwo na njara ya omotho anyitagwo na ya ùrío 

tonya thíinie.. ”

Let me see if I will and can translate it for you without loosing it's meaning.

“mama mtoto 

get in 

Lift the baby. 

Baby is not held on the left 

the baby is held on the right.”

As they sing that, the mother is made to dance with the baby in her hands. Me, I am just there chilling. You could have seen me cool and collected because I am not yet affected by the song anyhow. Hayaa, they went for verse two of the song.

"Ithe wa mwana, 

tonya thíinie, 

woye gakenge..''

2nd verse translation.

“Baba mtoto 

get in 

hold the baby.”

A lady in the group picks the baby, and hands it to me. I am confused because first of all those people are strangers and secondly, I surely don't know what to do with the baby. They made me dance bana with the baby in hand. They said those ululations. 

It gets even more confusing. 

Ochi is just smiling suspiciously like he knows something fishy. The song ends with me holding the baby. Nobody is offering to take it from me any time soon, so I am forced to sit down still holding the baby. At some point, the lady MC, says.

“Ríu 

tùrenda ithe wa mwana 

atunyite ùgeni 

gùkù kwao.”

The translation.

“now 

we want Baba mtoto 

to welcome us all

to their home.”

The whole meeting looks at me. I am like nooo, guys I am not ithe wa mwana and I will not nyita nobody ùgeni. I am mùgeni also. (I'm not the father of the child, I will not welcome nobody, I'm also a guest.)

I was saved by the mother, who was in the kitchen then, she shouted to the other guests, mostly the wamamas, that Ithe wa mwana, was away on official business and that I was just a random guy attending a 'gùchugia mwana' event. 

Sadly though, the camera man had already made me pose for a photo with a baby I didn't know. Like I was the father, and taken several snaps before the mother of the baby had intervened. If you ever, I repeat, if you ever see me in a photo with an afro, holding a baby and I look like I have been abducted please know, it was against my will.

#NduguAbisai