Letstoriesunfold ™

 As I'm writing this, I'm just from listening to a song called just in case ( I kind of forgot the artists name) then ikavunja the creative block nilikuwa nayo kama venye that squirrel huwa inavunja that acorn imekuwa ikichase for the longest time ever (Kama hauget, go watch Ice Age).  Anyway, najua mmeona hii kwa most action or horror movie or series. Kuna ngori fulani in the horizon imetokea, there's a slim chance of the protagonist and their group or person they are with to survive. Tunaonyeshwa scene ya the protagonist akiwa na touching moment yake with the loved ones or someone close. Alafu utapata most times hio scene hukuwa na some emotional music playing in the background.  Kind of last moments kind of vibe because they don't know if they'll survive whatever lies ahead of them. It's a very heartfelt moment before they charge off to deal with whatever shit has been thrown their way. An apocalypse of zombies or monsters, stupid people with guns, you name i...

“We are fucked!”  Tommie stared at the gas cylinder as if it had personally betrayed him. “Gas inaumua iishe sahii? Fuck! Sina job,  pesa ndio hii imeamua kuingia witness protection.” His wife, Mary, was sitting on the edge of the bed, scrolling through her phone with the kind of concentration usually reserved for presidential results. “Babe,  si unawarm ile maharagwe ya juzi?” Tommie turned slowly. “Those beans?” Mary nodded. “The same beans zimekaa kwa fridge tangu juzi?” “Tommie…” “Mary, hizo beans ziko na history.  Juzi ndio zilikuwa beans.  Leo ni story ingine.” Mary sighed. “Ju gas imeisha,  tunatupa hizo beans tulale njaa ama turisk?” Tommie closed the fridge because when he had opened the fridge to take out the beans to warm, a funny smell escaped. “Pasi lazima aniconfirmie kitu.” “What?” “Kwamba binguni tunapewa mwili mpya.” Mary laughed despite herself. “Why?” “Because hii yangu imechoka. Imeishiwa nguvu.  Sasa ju ya njaa, inataka kula beans ...

Imekuwa long tangu nichonge story ka venye Michelangelo alikuwa anachonga vitu clean many centuries ago. Story ilikuwa iende live but draft ilikuwa kwa simu, na simu ilizama kwa maji ka Petero venye alijishuku ati ni yeye anatembea kwa maji. Fundi naye kumpelekea simu akakuwa kama ule jamaa wa promises bandia za in “6 months”. Fundi amekaa nayo almost three weeks, ananichocha daily ati anaunda, kumbe anani-enjoy tu, simu imemlemea na hataki kunichapia.  Kuishi bila simu blunder, unasikia ni uko kwa kichaka ama ka wewe ni inmate. Nimefikiria venye shillingi itatoka nishike device ingine; itatoka ju fundi alishindwa kufufua simu hadi akili imetap out. Nikiscroll scroll YouTube nikiwa nimetulia after nimetoka kuchapiana na Boyz wangu Kimani ma one two one two, nimebump into this song called Wasted Story by Virusi Mbaya, sijui ni kama ni coincidence ama nini,  but nimerelate nayo mbaya sana na kuna part moja imepenya  “…Saka kila siku it's not enough..” “...Ma...

Guys…. Eeei! Niko na furaha, na si ati pesa ni nyingi, mnaweza nunulia your favorite storyteller kahawa, if y'all don't mind, jameni baridi mingi. Anyway, where was I? Yes. Eeei! Sijawahi jua the joy of discovering a new song by accident (si ile by accident ingine ya excuse ya your cheating partner akijitetea akipatwa), hukuwa amazing hivi. Leo, start of the week, nimeamkia mjengo kusaka Singaporean shillings ya kufanya one two, foreman akasema leo, nijaribu another week, siko kwa hesabu ya hio wiki, nirudi nilale, nikasikia tu ki sadness ingine kwa chest ime descend. Nikajiambia haidhuru, nikaleft site, nikachapa lap kiasi mtaani, then nikarudi kejani, nione kama nitafinya finya kompyuta dollar itoke. Kufika kejani, nikasema before niingie shughuli, wacha niingie YouTube, niweke background music kiasi to vibe with. Music plays for sometime, akili hata haiko hapo, it's just like filling the noise at the time(you know how our folks used to put news on, and they aren't ev...

On another episode of: things that never happened, or did they? Saturday or Sunday, many many many moons ago. I used to go to the bafu na towel pekee always wondering how women always walked around in skirts. So after showering it was free mode mpaka kejani. Kwa buloti, it was a communal bathroom so you had to carry your bucket. Na ukipata mtu yuko ndani, unapanga laini. On this particular day nilikuwa nimechemsha maji niko ready kuingia kwa bafu, jirani beat me to the bathroom by seconds. I left my bucket full of warm water hapo nikiwa frustrated then nikaingia kejani kutime akitoka, naruka ndani. Asubuhi gets chilly so you can't just hang around there waiting ukiwa kifua iko nje, umejifunga towel pekee. Akamaliza nikaskia mlango yake imefunga, nikakimbia bafu fasta fasta maji yangu isipoe, ingepoa ingekuwa balaa. Kumbe she was not yet done, alikua ameacha karai yake na maji hapo ndani arudi kuosha kifuniko. Mimi naye nokatoa hio basin nje nikaingia kwa bafu, this is not ...

                    Yesterday was crazy, watu wa Arsenal walikuwa wamejaa kujaa CBD celebrating. You can't really fault them for being happy, and excited. Imagine 22 years! Imagine coming close to winning the title in the previous seasons, then Arsenal wins the 25/26 league title, just like that. I was beside myself with happiness, not only myself, but other Arsenal fans throughout the world. Nimeamka leo kichwa ikienda tu  “silali... Finale... Refa puliza kipenga..” I know it's been a while since I dropped a something awesome for y'all. Sijawasahau, something was cooking in the pipeline. Now it's time to enjoy an exquisite story from another exceptional storyteller like yours truly I call Anko, don't you think? “hallo..” “Hello..” “nimeona CV yako mahali na naona huna kazi sindio?" "Yes"  I answered very happy that CV haikujipata ikifunga nyama in some dingy butchery, or zinafungia comrade chapo za supper. "Sawa.., niko na kaz...

  People out here are angry, really angry. I know this is no way to start a story, but relax it's heading somewhere, I promise. It's a chilly morning and I'm at a bank waiting for my turn to be served, service yao ilikuwa imeanza kusumbua from Monday, but hey, that's a story for another time. I could feel like I was a bit out of place, you know? because the last time I remember I was in a bank was many years ago, when I was on campus, paying for my fees. Mzazi aliniamia bana, alijua ningepata guts, temptations za kukula fee ingekam, ningejua venye ningeilipa. So where was I?  Oh yes, there is this guy who is seated like 2 or three seats away from me, bigger and older than me from the looks of it, looks like a business man, or in lay man terms jamaa wa madeals. After a few minutes waiting, he starts getting impatient, and frustrated so he starts complaining, why is the service taking so long, can't they go a little faster, and so on and so forth.  I'm seated ther...

  You know those times unasikia ni kama unachizi? Umepanga vitu zako vizuri, from A-Z then everything decides to go tits up kama mende imededi? So recently I was in such a bubble, naona tu Dim.  Nikasema sitachizi niliona, wacha I go see my hombre, Tommie, pale Kach. It's very peaceful place btw. After the first day, we are beating stories after kumaliza shughuli mbili tatu, nothing major, just enough to feel productive without actually being productive.  Out of nowhere, Tommie leans in like he’s about to reveal state secrets. “Btw nilikuwa na mpango na fulani na yule jirani  nilikuwa nataka tupangane.  Si tufike hivyo?” We pull up to Jirani's compound, and the first thing we see? Two cocks. Full chest out. Feathers flying. Pride on the line. These roosters were not playing. This wasn’t a disagreement, this was generational beef. You could tell one of them had been waiting for this moment since childhood. Jamaa sees us and instead of greeting like a normal human...

  8:23 am.   It's a few days after Christmas, unajua hizo siku zenye uko autopilot tu, waiting for 31st, upige nduru yako safi, or light up fireworks? It's the 30th, you would think nimetulia, at peace ju niko home, wrong! My mum ananipigia msomo on and on. I want to tell her, it's too early for this bana, chill! Najua nikiongea tu hivi, itakuwa a full blown argument, so I let her be. She is talking about stuff like mbona hauna bibi na watoto sahii?  She goes, nini unangoja? Angalia fulani, si mko age moja? Watu age yako wako na boma already! Tangu umalize campus, sijaona pahali hio masomo imekusaidia… She goes on and on chewing me off. In my head niko zile za Get back get back, you don't know me like that, talking a whole lotta shit I ain't trying to hear.  At that point, I even started regretting mbona nilishow up at home, at all, ningekaa kwangu tu. I'm getting pissed with each minute that passes from my mum chewing me off, mara comparing me to my cousins, ma...

              So I'm just chilling at my crib, I decided to call my G huwa namuita anko, (don’t ask why, story for another day because that story needs a whole episode on its own), tuonge tupange ma one two. Hata hatujaongea sana, nasikia my door ina gongwa gongwa na vurugu. Na pause kiasi.  You know that moment where your spirit steps out of your body for a second to peep through the curtain before you do? Yeah, that one. Na hang up call with my G, saa hio nashangaa ni nani huyu ananitafuta na fujo hivi? Naenda kuangalia, alafu nifungue, nijue how it will go down ie kama kutakuwa na throwing of fists. Kuangalia tu hivi, ni three burly men, wamekula chuma wakashiba ka crocodile imemeza wildebeest mzima time huwa zina cross River Mara Na tense kiasi, but najipiga kifua nilikuambia kama mbaya mbaya! Nafungua mlango nijue venye kutaenda, wananicheki hivi, design wanarudi chini then wako zile za  “Pole.” One of them turns to the rest anawaambia...

                               There I was, doing wahenga proud, you know when they say atafutaye hachoki? I'm there looking for clients to deliver quality, and get paid. So I spot a gig, while I'm looking at the brief, I realize there’s no way I could show up and execute it. I don't bite what I can't chew, so me being me, I decided to hand the gig over to Prof.  Not to seem like I'm gassing him up, but Prof si mtu wa mchezo. legendary guy. Kazi safi, anajua mambo, alafu ni mtu wa heshima. So I link him up with the client for the gig, then quickly texted him,  “kaka,  kuna shughuli hapa nimekuplug.” An hour later, Prof replies with a long ass text. You know it's real when someone types a text yenye kidogo inakaa manuscript ya kupeleka publishing. He goes: “Vipi bazu. Thanks man.   2 months ago, Lorry yangu ililima gari ya wenyewe  Nikakimbizwa sana since insurance ilikua kachap...

Continued from   Take me back              Just like that, my brain replays that crazy and wild night, back then before love ilinionesha shege kweli  kweli, nilikuwa na my then gal (Some how I'd forgotten all about her) , my Boyz and their women at a a certain club along Kiambu road, sikumbuki ni gani.  A couple of guys clearly drunk had bumped into my gal and her group while she was coming from the washrooms accompanied by her group (my Boyz women's). ( To this very day, I have never grasped why women go to the washrooms in groups),  After being told to watch where they are going by my gal, this guys, instead of apologizing, they became arrogant. They started raining vulgar insults on my gal and her group (my Boyz women's).  Mimi niko somewhere just sipping my drinks while observing the fruckus. I locked eyes with my gal at some point during my observation, saw all the balancing tears that were threatening to spill from her ey...

              A couple of months back, nilikuwa nimeenda place fulani shughuli na one of my boyz, Tommy, tulikuwa Whistling Moran I think. Tulifika mapema, tumetulia tunangoja tu clients wafike. I always arrive early for business, a skill I unknowingly picked up from my old man. Tommy alikuwa anataka kushika one or two beers to kill time before clients wafike, lakini nikamsho zii, business first, atashika a couple of beers after tumemalizana na clients.  Tulikuwa tunataka tu kufine tune some details kwa contract fulani tulipata ya kuweka some serious coins in our pockets with the clients ndio tusichomeke. After they arrive, tunaanza kuiron out some details with the clients, it takes a while, going back and forth, and right before I reach my breaking point to snap and maybe flip the table on them like I have see it done in the movies, the clients compromises, and agree to some of the changes we want in the contract.  Satisfied, we bid the clie...