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Showing posts with the label Naughty

Basmati for who?

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  Alvina had always been the curious,  free-spirited type.  She loved meeting new people, getting out of her comfort zone, and exploring what Nairobi had to offer. So when her neighbor, Selene, invited her out for a fun night of bowling and drinks with some of her friends, Alvina didn’t think twice. It was a Friday evening, and the atmosphere at the bowling alley was lively, with music thumping through the speakers and people laughing and enjoying their games. Alvina was welcomed with warm smiles and a round of drinks. Selene, always the gracious host, led her to a group of friends sitting at a nearby table. “Alvina, meet the crew,”  Selene introduced her to the group, as they all exchanged greetings. There was Kendi, the quiet one with a contagious laugh, and Naomi, who had an easy, confident energy about her. But then there was Mercy—Selene’s close friend—whose smile never quite reached her eyes. As the night unfolded, Alvina noticed a pattern. Every time she spoke...

Marej

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        I always tell my Gs, time and time again, to be careful, hawanisiki kabsaa, wanaona ni kama mimi ni matako yao, nilipigwa heartbreak ya kimataifa, or worse, ni kama nachukia wanawake.  Otis, with his heart set on a future bright and unmarred by past shadows, was on the cusp of a new dawn. His wedding to Julia was mere days away, scheduled for a radiant Sunday where love was supposed to renew itself in the eyes of God and man.  Preparations were in full swing, or at least, they would have been.  Instead, Julia, the bride-to-be, had her heart, mind and soul  elsewhere.  She chose adventure over duty, opting for a road trip and camping escapade with her friends, leaving Otis to navigate the chaotic waters of wedding planning alone. The absence of his partner in these crucial moments was felt like a void, but Otis held onto the belief that love was about understanding and patience. However, patience was tested when, in a twist of modern-...

Mapenz

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  February, love, valentine, flowers, catfish. I remember after the first month of 2008, long ago when there were just eight buildings in Nairobi being called skyscrapers, there was real love.  Young ones, I am that ancient. Yours truly had a young beautiful chille in college. This was way before touch screen phones, sorry, android phones were invented or introduced into the country or the world, and BlackBerry phones reigned supreme, followed closely by Nokia. They were the only status brand. Achana na nyinyi mnashindana na Vivo, Iphone 16+, Samsung Galaxy sth. Kitambo, Blackberry was the baddie of phones.  Right now, I know you may be asking yourself,  why is this relevant?  Well I didn't have a blackberry, but I had a ka sony ericsson. A phone worth having on all the dates and events I was in. So here comes January, I meet this fine yellow yellow and I know this will either be on my menu one time or full time. Either I date her for a short while, or I marry h...

Lazma ufeel

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             The lights of the city flickered like the glow of a restless soul, neon colors bouncing off wet pavement. The night was alive, pulsing like the heartbeat of a hustler who knew the streets too well. Up in this urban jungle, things moved fast, you either kept up or got swallowed whole. I pulled up to the spot I had told my boys earlier. I was always the plug, the one with the moves, the finesse, and the game. The air outside the club buzzed with anticipation. The bouncers recognized me right away. I was the kind of guy who owned every step he took.  I watched some newbie being stopped at the entrance by the bouncers, his confidence crumbling with each passing second because of all the stares he was getting from the people who passed him.   Nikistep into the club, mi ndio stero, We ukistep in the club wakufreeze  tho you see everyone else going in,  lazma ufeel. It's like the lyrics were describing that exact moment. The m...

Aligongewa na si mlango 2

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Denno felt his blood pressure spike. He didn’t even bother responding. He jumped up, grabbed his jacket, and bolted out the door.  When he got to the club, his heart was racing, not from the sprint, but from the anger simmering within. He spotted them immediately—Stacy, looking too comfortable, laughing at something this guy had said. Denno could feel his fists clenching.  He took a deep breath, trying to calm down, then marched straight up to them. “Stacy!”  he called, his voice louder than intended. She looked up, eyes wide with shock.  “Denno!  What are you doing here?” “I should be the one asking you that.  Busy at work,  sio?”  he spat, glaring at the guy beside her, now looking more amused than concerned. “Relax, bro,”  the guy said, raising his hands.  “We’re just having a good time.” “A good time?  Dude! This is my girlfriend!”  Denno fumed. “Denno, calm down,”  Stacy said, standing up.  “This is just a collea...

Aligongewa na si mlango.

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Denno was having one of those days where everything just seemed to flow.   He had hit the “Send” button on his final proposal a few days back and leaned back in his chair, stretching and yawning. He had just received an email confirmation that his proposal had been accepted.  He couldn't believe it, he had just landed a big online gig that promised good money and a steady workflow for the next three months.  As a freelancer, this was the equivalent of hitting a jackpot in his world.  “Babe!  Guess what!”   he shouted towards the kitchen, where Stacy, his girlfriend, was busy preparing breakfast. “What's up?”   Stacy replied, glancing at him with a smile that could melt an ice cap. She was dressed in her corporate attire—a crisp white shirt and a pencil skirt—ready to head to her office job. “I just secured that big contract I was telling you about!  We’re eating good,  for the next three months!”  Denno grinned, showing his exciteme...

Hawkers Jameni IV

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This is a continuation from  Hawker Jameni III            Why would they place such important things so distant from one another? I wondered. I ran up the next flight of stairs, knocking down a couple of mannequins. After asking yet another attendant, she pointed to the changing booths at the far end of the floor.  I limped into the changing room and shut the door. I quickly chucked the shorts and stretched one rubber band, slid one foot into it and rolled it up to my thigh. I then tucked my homo erectus and held it against one thigh with the band.  The bands were quite small and tight, the poor quality has a low elasticity so I added another one and walked out, like a normal human being – relieved- albeit with a slight limp. The bands were a little tight and uncomfortable but they were better than a dangling deek in public. I was so relieved that as I walked down the stairs, I confidently saluted an attendant who was redressing the mannequin...

Hawkers jameni II

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I looked at Mohawk and asked him if he wanted one. He nodded. I told the hawker I would take two at Kes 100. The bus was on its last bump as the hawker reluctantly agreed and took the money. I gave Mohawk one stick as I tried to figure out how to start chewing the toothbrush.  The stick had a thick bark that I tried peeling off but I soon realized I might be doing it wrong. Mohawk had already started chewing on his, so I just followed suit. He looked at the TV and asked, “What happened to the TV?” “It fell and the screen cracked,” “Pole,  I know an electronics fundi along Luthuli Avenue.  A very  trustworthy fellow  I could hook you up  if you are interested.” “That is exactly what I need,  would you mind taking me to him?” “No problem buddy.” We chewed and brushed while making small talk like old pals until the bus reached its destination at the Odeon cinema about an hour later. We alighted as I carried the TV with the screen resting on my tummy while...

Hawkers jameni!

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 I no longer trust hawkers. Flashback Two years ago I bought a black tie from a hawker in town, at night, only to find out the next morning that it was a green high school tie with a school emblem stamped in black ink and a name Brian written at its base. Brian must have been a form one student.  I should have learnt my lesson,  but that  is a story for another day. I left work early , for Easter, and took a matatu straight home. I found my wife seated on the patio, weeping. Upon inquiry, she told me that our daughter had hit our T.V with a serving spoon and broke the screen. The T.V  is one of those cathode tube ray T.V’s  (the ones with huge backs) I love my T.V. and my wife knows it. I can kill for it. My love hierarchy is; T.V, daughter, parents, wife, other things follow. I guessed she (wife) must have broken it and blamed my princess. On Friday I decided to take the T.V to Luthuli Avenue in the CBD to have the screen replaced since I planned to keep m...

Wa Mombasa!

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The following proceedings occurred when Anko Ice was still a bachelor and reckless. Any attempt to refer to this against Anko Ice in the future shall be construed as a declaration of hostilities and shall be met with the vilest kao remote-controlled magic if you know what I mean. Man must eat, and therefore, man must work. Anko finds himself in Tongaren, Bungoma, with two of his other buddies. We did our work, and after finishing what had brought us to Tongaren, Bungoma, and receiving our dues, we decided it was time to venture out and explore and experience “vitu za huku” .  We ended up in a pub that looked like it had seen better days. It had a sound system or as the locals called it “retio” with the worst sound quality you have ever heard, blaring out Lingala like whoever was singing was being strangled mercilessly, or as the layman would put it,  (alikuwa anaimba ni kama anapigwa ngeta) After a hearty meal of brown ugali and chicken with some mrenda, we started downing the...