“Why are you in your sister's room?”
my mom looked at me with concern.
"mom, it's 5 in the morning,”
“can't I just sleep?"
I covered my face to prevent any more questions.
“Moonshine, it's been a week..!!”
she whispered.
“we are having a girls night, ”
“every night, okay? ”
“Leave me alone now, will you?”
She pulled my duvet leaving me exposed.
“Downstairs, right now!!”
"What..!! Why?”
“Is it a family meeting..?”
I wanted to shout and break everything around me.
"prayers young lady,”
“you might have forgotten the way to your room,”
“but prayer isn't something I'll allow you to forget,”
“you missed church last Sunday and now this!!”
she let out a breath and sat right next to me and softly talked to me
“J,whatever it is,”
“you don't have to tell me,”
“just whisper it to God, he listens”
She squeezed my hand and pulled me out of bed
“I love you bear,”
“that's why,”
“I won't allow you to get lost”
I whispered
“I am already lost mum.”
My mother always had her feelings and composure intact. Smiling and laughing through out the day but I couldn't forget her shaky voice when they silently tried to argue with my father.
I guess everyone was broken but they were just too tired to talk about it.
At the top of the stair case, I observed my family holding hands ,deep into prayers and I suddenly felt out of place, like a stranger or the black sheep. Looking at them, they seemed so perfect while my imperfections were drawn on my skin and just so they'd torture me, the wounds weren't in a hurry to heal.
I pulled up my sleeve and stared at the wounds for a while. I couldn't understand how I managed to cut so deep into my skin and feel pleasure instead of pain. I needed help.
For the rest of the week, I dragged myself around with huge eye bugs and a "mind your business" face that only lit when I saw a familiar face to avoid being asked stupid questions.
I needed mason, I wanted my best friend around me during this tough time but everytime his voice echoed inside my head in slow motion.
“I couldn't care less about you and your boyfriend.”
My sister was tired of me invading her privacy and I had no other choice that to face my fears. I stood at the door contemplating whether to enter or just run and never look back. I was so nervous and desperate for things to change.
If only I could go back to that day, when Gorge stood me up and Maison said those words, I'd do my best to change it all but now I had no other option but to give into my fears.
I didn't have the strength to resist so I locked the door behind me and stared at my bottom drawer. I made yet another mark on my left arm and felt it all....
"I am sorry Lord, I did my best "
But the question was, did I even try to resist this soothing escape..?
If you had missed the second part,
here it is.
Depression is real
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