Jirani chronicles

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              So I'm just chilling at my crib, I decided to call my G huwa namuita anko, (don’t ask why, story for another day because that story needs a whole episode on its own), tuonge tupange ma one two. Hata hatujaongea sana, nasikia my door ina gongwa gongwa na vurugu. Na pause kiasi.  You know that moment where your spirit steps out of your body for a second to peep through the curtain before you do? Yeah, that one. Na hang up call with my G, saa hio nashangaa ni nani huyu ananitafuta na fujo hivi? Naenda kuangalia, alafu nifungue, nijue how it will go down ie kama kutakuwa na throwing of fists. Kuangalia tu hivi, ni three burly men, wamekula chuma wakashiba ka crocodile imemeza wildebeest mzima time huwa zina cross River Mara Na tense kiasi, but najipiga kifua nilikuambia kama mbaya mbaya! Nafungua mlango nijue venye kutaenda, wananicheki hivi, design wanarudi chini then wako zile za  “Pole.” One of them turns to the rest anawaambia...

Hawkers Jameni III


Under the TV I adorned the biggest boner I have ever seen. It looked like it was supporting the tv on its own, trying to rip off the shorts. Since I was a commando with baggy shorts, it protruded and looked like Pinocchio’s nose after telling several lies. It stood like a jousting lance.

Shit! 

I froze. 

I pressed my thighs together, trying to hold the dingdong back in vain. Shit! What should I do? I panicked and almost threw the TV down. 

(I might have dropped it, but, 

with my sperminator 

at that angle 

it could never have fallen down) 

Mohawk had walked two steps ahead of me. He stopped, looked back and asked

“Buddy, what is wrong?”


“Kuna shida, njoo kidogo,” 

When he came near I whispered, 

“I have an erection.”



He looked beneath the TV and then looked at me, while holding his laughter, he whispered,

 

“It looks like a rhino’s horn, 

it looks angry too,” 


After laughing for a while he added, 

“I actually have a hard on too! 

I am so horny. 

What is happening? 

You have no underwear?”


“No, 

I don’t do undies on weekends.”


Here we were, two horny men, strangers to one another, each with throbbing hard on, confused in the CBD in broad daylight. His boner was not showing probably because he wore tight jeans, and most likely a pair of under pants.

“Quick! 

Over there!

 A Supermarket!” 

He said, pointing ahead. Looking ahead, across Luthuli Avenue, I saw Ukwala Supermarket up ahead.

“What about it? What is the plan?”


 I asked

“Let us go to Ukwala, 

buy something that will restrain this bulges that we have.”

After hearing Mohawk's suggestion, I said, 

 “Great idea!”

We almost Usain-Bolted towards it. As we went into Ukwala, I left the TV at the entrance and ran into the supermarket, almost crouching. As I was walking in-between the ground floor isles, while I believed no one was looking, I quickly tucked my hand and shoved my D between my thighs. I started walking like a cripple since it was the only way I could walk.


(later on the camera angle would appear as if 

I had stolen something and shoved it 

in my shorts).

Anyone who has had a boner in public knows that the remedy is to pretend you are pocketing while pushing or holding down on the stick to cool it down and appear normal. 

My short had no pockets. I had to walk like a cripple, looking for an attendant. Mohawk caught up with me.


“Nunua shoe laces ufunge nayo. 

Boxers might not contain that atrocity,” 

Mohawk said. I thought about it and agreed that it was a better idea.

“Shoe laces ziko floor gani?” 

I asked an attendant standing by a staircase.

“We don’t sell shoe laces, 

you have to buy shoes together with the laces,” 

he answered. I turned to Mohawk, 

“What do we do?”

Mohawk was quiet for a while, he seemed to be thinking of something, then he said, 

“Nunua rubber band 

ishikilie.”

This is one kid full of ideas! I thought. A rubber band sounded way better than a shoelace or underwear.

“Blada ziko floor gani?” 

I asked the attendant.

“What?”


“Rubber bands ziko wapi?”


“2nd floor, at the stationery items section.”


‘Thank you,”

I ran up the stairs to the stationery section and found the rubber bands.

“Changing room iko wapi?” 

I asked another attendant.

“3rd floor kwa nguo.” 


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