Eloi eloi namna gani?

 A day like this many years ago was the start of a sequence of events that almost made me seek traditional means to resolve my issues. I went home that evening and found my door yawning, with the house empty. Thugs had broken in and stolen everything valuable from electronics to any good clothes they would find. For the record, when it comes to my graduation photos, I am in the same whatsapp group with the likes of Waititu and my friend Sakaja.

 I don’t have any coz I had stored them in my laptop and backed them up in the hard disk and both were stolen. Back then cloud storage and WiFi connection were luxuries. I’m very old btw. They even had the guts to eat some kienyeji chicken that I had left marinating, cooked ugali and left dirty dishes. 

That was a hint that apart from being thieves, they were also fangi smokers. The only important asset they left behind was the bed, which was also broken. I did not really understand or know what activities had happened in my house, but walaikum salam. So like it’s the norm, once your house is broken into, the wise thing is to move. 

I did some maths and found no need to hire a vehicle, since I only had a handful of things left. So I hired a mkokoteni, na pia hiyo haikujaa. I remember stuffing some beddings into a TV carton and some clothes in a home theatre carton, to not appear like a mali mali guy doing rounds. Little did I know this was the beginning of another funny phase of the whole ordeal. Now since I had searched for the house in a rush, the tenant who I was supposed to replace was supposed to have moved 2 days before I checked in, but due to what he called unexpected and unexplainable occurrences, he had not yet moved. 

He had actually paid rent for another month that morning. When you hear a guy explaining things in a vague and opaque manner, just know the wife is involved. Mind you, it was in the evening and I talked very badly to the previous landlord before leaving. I had actually told him that their son was my prime suspect, and that had made them very enraged. So I couldn’t go back. He is still my prime suspect but lets wait for the heaven video to prove. 

So the caretaker told me to put my belongings in a vacant 3 bedroom house for the night, and then we could resolve the issue the following day. That’s where I spent the night. The following day, he told me that since there would be many vacant houses at the end of the month (including the one I was to move into), I can give him something small for the eyes and he could let me stay in the vacant house unofficially until end month, then I could move into another house that I could afford. The deal sounded good and I agreed. 

He however warned that since the property managers had started doing rounds to inspect their houses, I would only use one of the bedrooms and leave the other space open just in case they came looking. Remember I was an illegal occupant. So I stuffed what remained of my things into one bedroom and continued with life. I would only appear past 10 pm and leave by 6am, and never slept sober. 

After two weeks, the caretaker alerted me that a willing tenant had viewed the house and liked it, and even paid for it. He wanted to move in ASAP. I was now moved to another house on the ground floor which had been declared unfit for human occupancy due to power safety issues and other challenges. 

It was thus used partly as a store and gossip centre for the caretaker, cleaners, watchman and other people there. I was to use one bedroom which I locked and left the rest of the house open. However, I was not to use hot shower as I risked being barbecued and I was to never turn the kitchen tap on no matter what. I wasn’t told why, but I just complied. 

I stayed there for the remaining two weeks and as the caretaker had promised, there were 3 good vacant houses at the end of the month. He advised that since he was going to the property offices the following day, he would call me so that I could send him the money to clear directly. I sent him deposit + rent and he came with a receipt in the evening. I moved into the house 2 days later, feeling satisfied and thanked myself with a strong drink for showing patience and endurance. 

I started restocking the house small small. After two weeks, I came home to find many posters placed at the gate and all floors, indicating that the caretaker had been replaced, and that anyone who had dealt with him personally on matters rent and other bills should go record a statement at the police station. 

The wording in the managers was so strong, and went close to saying he was wanted, Dead or Alive. Apparently, he had been scamming the house managers by claiming some houses were empty while they were occupied. He would then collect rent in some houses and not submit to the managers, then issue fake receipts like the one I possessed. That evening, I called myself for a small meeting and said 

“Eloi Eloi Lama Sabachthani.”

Story by Iceking.