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Nòî

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On another episode of: things that never happened, or did they? Saturday or Sunday, many many many moons ago. I used to go to the bafu na towel pekee always wondering how women always walked around in skirts. So after showering it was free mode mpaka kejani. Kwa buloti, it was a communal bathroom so you had to carry your bucket. Na ukipata mtu yuko ndani, unapanga laini. On this particular day nilikuwa nimechemsha maji niko ready kuingia kwa bafu, jirani beat me to the bathroom by seconds. I left my bucket full of warm water hapo nikiwa frustrated then nikaingia kejani kutime akitoka, naruka ndani. Asubuhi gets chilly so you can't just hang around there waiting ukiwa kifua iko nje, umejifunga towel pekee. Akamaliza nikaskia mlango yake imefunga, nikakimbia bafu fasta fasta maji yangu isipoe, ingepoa ingekuwa balaa. Kumbe she was not yet done, alikua ameacha karai yake na maji hapo ndani arudi kuosha kifuniko. Mimi naye nokatoa hio basin nje nikaingia kwa bafu, this is not ...
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Class 4, in a school somewhere.

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  Mr. Gakuha always got into class before me after lunch once. Nothing new. That guy kept time, He was never a minute late. Like all humans who are bound by their habits, Mr. Gakuha was no exception. He used to sit on a student's desk at the farthest corner of the class, closely watching guys and girls who used to enter the class one by one like during the time of Safina.   The Safina of Noah,  not this one of Jimmy Wanjigi . I used to feel like Tripple H after eating a plate of rice and beans. For those who have no idea who Triple H is, I feel sorry for you, I really do. you missed out when WWE was WWE Now back to what I was saying. So I walked in with my shirt's buttons opened up to my múkonyo. Múkonyo is a belly button.  I think as a language, Kikuyu needs to change because it doesn't sound like the name of something on a human body.  That shirt was not tucked in and my tie was tied around my head like I was Tarzan. Isitoshe, I had a bottle of water in my rig...
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How I almost became a father.

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In the words of Kamande wa Kioi, before you die, you see many things. It doesn't sound wise when you say it in English. The queen's language waters it down very much. Try saying it in Kikuyu. Sagely!  Now, in 2015, Ochi and I were roommates in Kariobangi South by circumstance. I was fresh from campus and jobless and he was starting a business in Nairobi. So, naturally, we were broke, you see how it was by circumstance, don't you?  We got a bedsitter hapo tu Kwa Mbao. Kwa Mbao is a stage in Kariobangi South, it has the best Mutura East in of Eastlands. Hayaa, Ochi, one Sato told me that he had been invited for a bash in Kahawa West. We decided to go. You know what is written, that where two or three are gathered, there is a fellowship and at times a swallowship. That day, we knew we wouldn't cook. We got to the bash. Kumbe it wasn't bash bash. It was bash of gùchogia mwana. Look for a Kikuyu for that translation. Haya, we were ushered in and offered seats. Mimi, with...
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Ilinirambaa aisee!

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    The first time I bought a skirt, I did not intend to buy a skirt. Lakini, I bought  skirts and crop tops. I did not even have a girlfriend. Or at least a girlfriend that could fit those sizes. Sasa, I was coming from Gwa Kairu, a place somewhere in Ruiru. We had a project there. This was the intervening period between college and the banking job. So, as you might have correctly guessed, I was an internal designer. Let me explain, interior designers know what they are paid to do. Some have even gone to school to learn their craft. Then there is us, internal designers, we are not the same. Us we rely on the mercy of God to complete projects.  In Kikuyu we say, “tuturagio ni kuiyumia.” Remember Fred Gumo?  His slogan?  Kaa ngumu.  That is how we did our jobs.  Baas, we got to Githurai, hapo kwa roundabout. I think when Angel Gabriel finally blows the tarumbeta, he will be near Githurai. It is there that he is sure many people will hear it at the...
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Simiyu.

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Eeeeeeeei, umewahi kuwa kwa situation serious, but unacheka tu ju situation iko na humor kiplan? Hio ndio situation nilikuwa, mbavu zikiwa zinauma ju ya kucheka. Alafu kitu inaifanya funny zaidi, ni huyu msee hacheki akikusho story. Jameni, huyu kwani alikuwa anataka niende kwa baba ju kidogo nilikuwa na wheeze ju ya kusahau kupumua? Hold up,  wacha tuanze story vizuri sasa. Nilikuwa nimechill pale mtaani, siku ilikuwa refu ajab, job plus kudeal na corporate office politics ina drain msee kuliko hii serikali ya zakayo. Anyway, nimechill tu kwa kiti, najaribu kushikilia my virtual social life na kuchat pale X aka Twitter na green app. The next thing nastukia ni simu inalia na iko kwa floor. Najua tu phone ilislip kwa mkono venye nilianza kudoze. Nachukua phone kucheki, ni nani huyu ananivutia simu saa kumi na moja ya asubuhi ikiwa imebakisha dakika ishirini. Kuangalia tu simu hivi, kumbe ni arif wangu fulani anaitwa Simiyu ananivutia. Nashangaa ni nini mbaya inaweza kuwa ime happen ...
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